That fucking time of year.
OR: A rant about the tedium of Advent
I never liked Christmas. No, actually, that’s a lie. I love Christmas, but only as a week-long thing. December 1st-22nd might as well be any other time of the year. Christmas day is still one of my favourite days on the calendar (despite my lack of religion), but I really do hate the commercial aspect of this the most overcelebrated holiday in the western world.
Yes, there are nice things about the commercialisation of Christmas. The Coke adverts, for example, reduce me to the mindset of an incontinent 6-year-old every single time. You know it’s that time of year when you’re channel-hopping, hand in pants, and you just stop because you heard a voice from your childhood whisper “holidays are comin’, holidays are comin’..”. On a slightly related note, I fucking love mince pies.
But OH MY FUCKING GOD THE CHRISTMAS SONGS. Such loathesome tunes, in EVERY. SINGLE. COMMERCIAL. ESTABLISHMENT. Even an innocent watch of an episode of Corrie struggles to go by without Noddy Holder’s impertinent voice asking me if I’m nailing my fucking socks to the wall at that very moment. No, Noddy, I’m not. I’m in the Rovers with Kevin Webster and as previously mentioned, I’ve a mince pie and some serious scrote-itch. Oh, and a quick note to ASDA/Tesco/Victorias Secret/McBurney Refridgeration Ltd: It does not count as Christmas advertising to dedicate the last 1.6 seconds of your regular advert to some berk who utters the phrase “THE PERFECT GIFT THIS CHRISTMUSSS”.
Right, let’s get a concise list going:
THINGS THAT ARE BRILLIANT ABOUT CHRISTMAS:
Turkey dinner, huge meal/drink with extended family, mince pies, Advent calendars, watching everyone on a Christmas night out the week before, trudging through ice and snow to get to your warm local on Christmas week, forgetting all other personal/financial problems to hang around with your friends and family. For a day, at least.
THINGS THAT ARE ROYALLY SHIT ABOUT CHRISTMAS:
Pretty much everything commercial, having the bloody thing shoved down your throat as early as mid-November, decorations, Noddy Holder, the inevitable explosion on EastEnders, The X Factor, the DFS sale, ribbons all over the fucking adverts, e-tailers changing the skin on their websites, that odd period between Christmas and New Year where business inexplicably continues for 2 whole days, Christmas carols, Christmas shopping, the awkwardness of receiving gifts, the unreliability of Royal Mail, the inevitable BBC News article detailing how online shopping has increased this year, some fucker telling me it’s also Chanukah, Christmas pudding, people asking me why I don’t like Christmas pudding, people refusing to buy Stollen even though it’s delicious, people who feel Christmassy on the 16th of November, the inevitabile “what the fuck is the point” feeling that starts around January the 6th and lasts a month or two, and Noddy Holder again.
BY FAR THE BEST THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS EVER TIMES A MILLION:
The Pogues ft. Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York
In hindsight, that wasn’t very concise at all. Oh well, must dash, I think I see Noddy Holder outside.
1 year ago